John Sheppard's Tales from Not Earth
by R. Clowe
Summary: John Sheppard is grounded after being wounded on a recent mission. This gives him some time to reflect on all the times the expedition has nearly been killed on missions by various things reminiscent of things on Earth, but aren't quite the same...
1. The Tale of SGA1 and the Not Rocks

John was grounded for three whole weeks due to an injured leg. He wasn't even sitting in the infirmary for an entire day before Keller had informed Woolsey that a certain Colonel would be needing an extended vacation in Atlantis. He was pretty sure she was just upset that John refused to take more than a day off at any given time, but damn it there was work to be done!

So now here he was, attempting to lounge in one of the infirmary beds. Unfortunately, it felt like his back was rubbing up against a slab of concrete.

Holding a pen in one hand, he used the other to open the journal in front of him. While his team had visited him several times already, it was Teyla who decided to be proactive and get him to stop worrying about staying in Keller's ward for another few days before he was released. It took awhile to explain "Bates' Motel" to her though…She clearly needed to get out more.

After much moaning and groaning, Teyla had brought him a leather-bound, dusty brown book—its pages blank—and told him to write down the reason he was in the infirmary in the first place. He huffed at the idea and attempted to rebuff her efforts to get him to write—of all things! He wasn't Lorne!—but she kept prodding at him to do something therapeutic.

So after much contemplation and boredom, he decided to settle in as best he could. "It's like a sitting on a pile of rocks…" he muttered, shifting restlessly. "Speaking of rocks…" which, of course, were the actual reason he was lying here in the first place. A giant pile of rocks. Well, not-rocks, as Rodney had so helpfully supplied.

In fact, it was that exact description that gave him the title to his new journal: _The Misadventures of Not-Earth_. When he looked back on it, there was a myriad of instances where not only John's team, but _every_ SGA team had encounters with things that resembled animals, plants and objects from Earth, but were not _quite_ the same as their doppelganger. And that is what started all this damn mess.

So John put pen to paper and began to tell the story:

_**The Tale of SGA-1 and the Not-Rocks**_

_The day began innocently enough. John, Rodney, Ronon, and Teyla had just passed through the Stargate. The planet they were on, MGM-554 (which brought about several gambling related jokes because, really, MGM?), was lush and beautiful. Enormous green tropical trees and a calm, clear blue sky towered over them. _

_John whistled. "Hot damn, look at this place! Are we in Hawaii?"_

"_No," Rodney replied, glowering. "Did we really have to go on this mission today? Zelenka and SGA-7 just found this new ancient tech last night and I would've much preferred to investigate _that _this morning instead of traipsing along the equator of some backwards planet in the middle of nowhere."_

"_Hey! You don't know if it's backwards! If anything, this could be the most progressive planet we've ever visited!" _

_Rodney did not look amused. At all. He held up his energy scanner. "There are no energy readings, Sheppard. None. As in _zero_. And before you answer, I've checked. There's no magnetic interference. And judging by what many Americans would call the 'perfect temperature', I'm also going to rule out fluctuations in climate patterns as well. We've already scouted with the MALP and all the readings show that there is absolutely nothing of value here, except maybe minerals, which, at the moment, are not exactly in demand on Atlantis." _

"_You're just a killjoy, aren't you?" John sighed. "Look at this place, Rodney! Just sit back and take in the view for a minute." _

"_Another minute I could be back on Atlantis actually helping the city?"_

"_Gentlemen, please," Teyla said, stepping in between the two. "I did not come out here today just so I could babysit you two instead of Torren." Ronon smirked. "We are not scheduled to go back for four hours, so perhaps we could just explore and see what this planet has to offer?" _

_Rodney huffed. John rolled his eyes in response, "Well, bah humbug to you too!" Trekking into the trees, he quickly spotted something red and shiny. It was small, round and had a sleek surface to it. "Hey, I found something!" _

"_That was fast…" Rodney commented, ambling up beside him. "What is that? A ruby?" _

"_Maybe…" John reached down to pick it up. Carefully, rolling it around in his palm, he eventually held it up to the light. "What are the chances of finding rare gems lying on the ground right in front of the Stargate?" _

"_Oh please, it's nothing more than a glorified rock. Look at it! Rough grooves, sharp edges. And it's embedded with other rocks!" Sure enough, if one stared closely there was the unmistakable gray and brown of various pebbles. "It's worthless. Chuck it."_

_So he did. The rock soared through the air and hit the uppermost part of a nearby tree, its branches shaking as they shifted in the light breeze. John followed the path with his eyes and saw that it landed amidst a pile of other, similarly shiny stones. "Look! There's more!"_

_The others slowly trailed behind him. "I thought exploring meant moving away from the Stargate," Ronon ventured, lumbering beside Teyla. _

_ Rodney overheard him. "Yes, well, we all know Sheppard. He's the 'shiny red ball' kind of guy. Besides, the closer we stay to the Stargate, the less walking we'll have to do on the trip back." He sat down next to John on a rather large boulder, massaging his legs. "I'm already cramped."_

_ "You're always cramped," Ronon added. _

_ "Always angry too," John threw in. Rodney glared back at them. "But look! Shiny new rock!" This time, he lifted up an even bigger ruby, needing both hands to hold the heavy item. "And more!" He held the ruby to his chest as he added a large emerald to the pile in his hands. "I'm sure we could make something cool out of these." _

_ "Oh, yes, _cool_! Exactly my intention when I came through the Stargate. To find something cool!" _

_ "Rodney, sometimes you need to enjoy the simple things in life," John said, stuffing a rather intricately pristine sapphire into his knapsack. "Look at this! Topaz! My birthstone!" He threw that in as well._

_ "You know, just because it's yellow doesn't make it topaz!" Rodney spat back. Curiosity got the better of him though, as his hand inched over to snag a small violet stone off the ground. "I mean, it's not like this is amethyst or anything," he waved towards John before gazing at it, studying it with intense concentration. "Maybe…" he began before putting the gem in his pocket, "Maybe we should take some back just to make sure. I mean, chances are it's nothing, but…"_

_ "We could make a fortune!" John interrupted. He dropped a murky pearl by accident and bent down to pick it up. In mid-stride, however, he noticed something glowing ahead. _

_ "Oh. My. God."_

_ The others turned their heads in unison and John would have laughed if he wasn't staring at one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen in his life. _

_ "Is that…"_

_ "Wow."_

_ "No way that's…"_

_ "Oh, it is!" John cried, jogging ahead to a denser part of the tropical forest. "It's amazing!" And if 'shiny red ball' syndrome was measured in shiny redness, the giant stone resting in front of John would've made him catatonic. The gem reached his stomach, nearly his chest, and contained every shade of red imaginable. "This is epic." _

_ "Well, it's nice," Rodney interrupted, "But certainly not 'epic.'" _

_ "Shh….don't speak in its presence," John said, gently petting the top of the stone. "The stone can hear you, Rodney. It doesn't like to be insulted." _

_ "Oh, har har, Mr. Four Year-old."_

_ "That's Colonel Four Year-old to _you_, Doctor!" John shot back. He returned his attention to the giant ruby. "I've never seen anything like this…." His voiced trailed off. _

_ "I must say," Teyla said, "It is unlike any stone I have ever seen." And she was right. Rising at least three feet off the ground, the stone covered a wide expanse of area, likely at least two feet wide. Teyla scanned the surrounding area and noticed that no other stones were even close to the size of this one. She also noticed that John was quite enamored with this particular gem._

_ "It's like the Holy Grail of rubies!" John circled the stone and Teyla could tell he was trying to organize some plan of attack for getting the stone to the 'Gate. "What do you think?" He glanced up at Ronon. "Think we can lift it?"_

_ Ronon shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know."_

_ Rodney bristled. "Are you serious? You have enough of them as it is! Just wait until we analyze them and we'll come back for that—that…" he pointedly indicated the giant stone, "Monstrosity!" _

_ But John was already testing its weight. Giving the ruby a wide bear hug, he placed his arms around it and hoisted upwards. The thing didn't budge. Struggling, he carefully lessened his hold. "Okay, so…that thing ain't movin'." _

_ "Thank you, Colonel Obvious." _

_ "You're just jealous you didn't see it first." John said before turning his attention back to the stone. "What if we rolled it?" John tried, giving the scarlet boulder a nice shove._

_ "It's half in the dirt!" Rodney yelled. "That thing isn't going to—"_

_ "We could kick it out," Ronon interrupted with a sharp kick. The gem shifted._

_ "No!" Rodney started again. "Stop hitting—"_

_ "It's working!" John kicked at it himself, the giant stone wobbling back and forth. _

_ "Oh for heaven's sake," Rodney said and joined in the kicking. "This is so stupid," he commented, kicking the ruby again._

_ But it was the final kick that did it. John reared his leg back and swung hard. The gem dislodged and, as it rolled to the left, exposed its underside to John's retreating leg. The first thing John noticed was the unmistakable sight of jagged, razor sharp teeth. "What the fu—" He was stopped short by a ragged scream._

_ The third thing he noticed—right after the second, which was that he really did scream like a girl at times—was that his leg was now caught in the mouth of a giant gemstone. _

_ "Holy shit," Rodney said, quickly emptying his pockets of various colorful stones, mindful of man-eating teeth. "These things are _organic_!" He looked up. "I _told_ you to wait for an analysis!"_

_ John kept tugging on his leg. "Well it's a bit late for_ _that _now_, isn't it!" Shredded and mangled skin were now mixed inside the gem's mouth, refusing to let go of its desired appendage. "Uh, a little HELP please?" _

_ At that, Teyla and Ronon rushed forward having been too shocked at the sudden revelation of a stone with teeth. The gem had a strong hold on his leg and didn't intend to let go anytime soon. _

_ "It will not let go," Teyla said, trying to gently pry his leg out. "It appears to be clamping down. Perhaps if you stop moving…"_

_ "Easier said than done!" John yelled, but acquiesced to her wishes. Once he gave up struggling, the pain didn't hurt nearly as much. He sat down on the ground, his breath coming out in short, tired gasps. "What a way to start a morning!" _

_ Ronon spoke up from behind him, "It expects its prey to struggle. If you don't move, it won't do anything." The thought wasn't comforting, but Ronon's theory certainly appeared to be correct. Lying down and not moving, the gem seemed content to follow John's lead. The teeth stopped gnashing, but it still ensnared his leg. _

_ "Okay, so ol' Sparkly here has me in a bear trap. Any idea how to get me out?" John asked, looking over at Rodney. _

_ "Me? How would I know! I just learned these things are alive!" _

_ "So did I, Rodney, but I got to learn it the _hard_ way!" he exclaimed, pointing at his leg, the blood starting to saturate the ground. Teyla, to his left, looked very concerned. He attempted to comfort her, "It's not as bad as it looks, really. I don't think it went any farther than some muscle." She looked skeptical, but didn't say anything._

_ Rodney's eyes lit up. "Okay, we need to check out the rest to see if they have a weakness of some sort. If we can figure out what hurts them, maybe we can apply a little of that and it will release your leg!" _

_ "Sort of like salt on a snail?" John ventured._

_ "Yes, exactly! Now, first we observe this guy here and see if…well, that's interesting."_

_ "What's interesting, Rodney?"_

_ "Well, it appears to have roots."_

_ John's eyes shot open. "Roots?"_

_ "Yes, as in tree roots. Look here," he pointed and, sure enough, a thick root extended from the underside of the giant ruby and went into the ground. "That means…" he trailed off._

_ "That means what, Rodney?"_

_ "These other gems aren't the same! They have no teeth! We picked some of them up, remember?"_

_ "Yes," John said, the sarcasm dripping. "I vaguely remember such gems."_

_ "Well, how did they get there? And why are they of various sizes?" _

_ "Please, indulge me, Rodney. My leg is caught in a giant rock." _

_ "Hold on!" He ran out of sight for several seconds and all they could hear were bushes being swept aside and the rustling of branches and twigs. He was back soon after. "Okay, look!" He held up a tiny red stone. "There's no teeth, which means this gem doesn't eat like that one does."_

_John attempted to follow his train of thought. "And?"_

"_And!" Rodney started, "That means this must be some sort of fungus! It's a fungus of rocks! This one here," he gestured to the one holding John's leg, "Must be spreading the rest of these rocks throughout the forest! There's probably a giant green, blue, yellow, white, black, and purple one too!" _

"_It would account for all the different colors…" Teyla said. "But that does not help us get John's leg free."_

"_No, you're right, but now we know that there's only a few of these large ones out here. Hmm…what if we carried him?"_

"_No," Ronon said. "That might agitate it. Plus, we would need quite a few men to lift it and him." _

"_Hey Chewie, you calling me fat?"_

"_Okay," Rodney bowled past him, "But I mean, we're only what? A few minutes from the Stargate? We could have him back to Atlantis in less than thirty minutes." _

"_Your call," Ronon questioned, staring at Sheppard._

_He sighed. "What if we cut the root first? Maybe that will kill it?"_

_Rodney's eyes went wild. "Uh, hello? Does cutting the root kill a tree? Of course not! And what if it decides to get all munchy-munchy when we do that? Remember when we tried to kill the Iratus bug? It just clamped tighter! Now that I think about it, what is it with you and things that want to eat you?" _

"_It's the hair," John joked._

"_Funny."_

_Twenty six minutes later he was sitting in the Atlantis infirmary with a giant rock still attached to his leg. "Well," Keller said, "It hasn't cut through any tendons as far as I can tell and it certainly hasn't reached any bone. That's good!" _

_John grimaced._

"_Sorry."_

"_It's okay Doc. I'm in pain, yeah, but it's good to know that my leg will pretty much be okay." _

"_If it stays in this condition? It'll be fine." She went to work, taking samples of the root as the rest of the rock was hard and infallible. No needle would ever break through its exterior. "I must say though, you've really outdone yourself with this one."_

"_You can say that again," Rodney agreed. "This case of the not-rocks is just as ridiculous as the not-prostitutes." _

"_That wasn't my fault!"_

"_Yeah, well, no one's going to forget how _that_ went down." He paused. "Pardon the pun." _

"_Well, if you just give me a second here, I think, oops!" And just like that, John's leg slid out of the rock as if nothing had happened. "Sorry about that…"_

"_Don't be sorry, Doc, it worked!" he said, nursing the sore leg. An attendant showed up and began to apply disinfectant. _

"_Wow, what'd you do?" Rodney asked, just as surprised._

"_It was more of a 'what did I drop,' if anything," Keller said. In order to safely carry John and the gem to Atlantis, they had to cut the root. Thankfully, it caused no further damage and didn't change the situation. However, a small piece of the root was left intact for the medical staff to use in order to determine its biology and to get a sample of its DNA._

"_What did you drop?"_

"_Um, just some gum."_

"_Gum? You were chewing gum! What kind of incompetent staff do we have running this place?" Rodney threw his arms out, exasperated._

"_We just received a shipment a few days ago from the Daedalus, Rodney! It's supposed to help against gingivitis!"_

"_Gingivitis? But you're a medical doctor! I thought your voodoo protected against bad hygiene!" _

"_I'm not a dentist, Rodney!" She turned to Sheppard. "I'm sorry Colonel, but it seems to have done the trick! Maybe it's the sugar…" _

"_It's not sugar-free gum?" Rodney exclaimed. "I want some!"_

_Keller sighed. "Go down to the storage room near the east pier. There's boxes of it stashed there." He was out the door before she even finished speaking._

"_I apologize, Colonel."_

"_Stop apologizing, Doc. Bubblegum saved the day! Let's all be thankful for that."_

_They heard footsteps pounding towards them as Rodney pushed aside the curtain and motioned towards John. "I'll get you some gum, too," he said. "And from now on, we're taking some with us on missions!" And he was gone again._

_Keller shook her head and resumed inspecting John's leg. "I'm afraid you're going to have to be off of this leg for a few weeks, Colonel. It looks like there's some serious tissue damage and….yep, there's an infection."_

"_Seriously? I wasn't even off-world for an hour!" _

"_Sorry Colonel, but I'm going to have to ground you for awhile. And next time, please don't kick any colorful rocks." She taped the gauze to his shin and ordered the attendant elsewhere. "We'll have you back up to speed in no time!" She patted his leg and walked away._

"_But I was going to make a fortune!" he called after her. "Damn you, not-rocks!"_


	2. John Sheppard versus the Not Bear

Day two in the infirmary was even more tiring than the first. At least he'd had the painkillers to soften the blow, but now they had worn off and Keller would only give him the mild stuff today.

"You know, some morphine would do wonders right now, Doc," he mentioned as she passed by during one of her rounds.

She smiled. "I'm sure it would, but you're clearly not in too much pain anymore, Colonel." She placed her hands on her hips, "And by the way, I wasn't too impressed with the expensive jewelry present left on my desk this morning."

John grinned at her. "Sorry Doc, thought you mighta been wooed with diamonds. Or, in this case, a massive ruby."

"I much prefer the simple things in life, Colonel. You're lucky the thing was already dead when I got there."

"You're the one that killed it!"

"Yes, well…an unfortunate victim of circumstance, that was…And wait a minute, you needed help to get that into my office. Who helped you?" she said, an accusatory glare accompanying her question.

"Can't kiss and tell now, Doc, now can I? They'll be afraid to come in here!"

"Yes, well, they should be. I have very pointy objects at my disposal." He gulped. "Carry on, Colonel. I stopped by earlier while you were asleep to check your blood pressure and became enthralled in your story." She motioned to his journal. "You should keep it up."

"Yeah…" he mumbled, concerned about Keller's appreciation for mediocre writing. "Maybe she thought it was a comedy…" He opened the journal again. "It would make a pretty nice comedy, I think."

Picking up the pen, he began to think about another possible story he could write about. "Hmm…" he thought aloud, "There's the not-berries….and the not-pears….but those aren't quite as exciting…Let's try something a little less fruity…"

_**The Tale of John Sheppard versus the Not-Bear**_

_ It didn't take very long for things to go from worse to downright terrible, especially whenever a certain John Sheppard was involved. He'd been separated from the rest of his team about three hours after coming through the 'Gate. They immediately were met by a new group of people, the Goldovans. Admittedly, they were nice, but they had also requested that in order to form some sort of trade deal one member from their party must venture from one end of the woods to the other, retrieve a gold nugget and then trek back._

_ Really, it didn't sound too difficult. But, what the Goldovans neglected to tell anyone was that a murderous, rampaging animal that looked a lot like a bear lived in these woods. And the best part? He'd only seen one the entire time, so it probably was the _only_ one, hence this ridiculous journey ritual._

_ He was allowed to enter the woods fully equipped, which he was very thankful for. Rodney, Teyla and Ronon stayed back to mingle with the natives (though John knew Teyla was the only one of the three who would actually do so). While prepping John for his trek through the forest, he overheard one of the young men talking about a being called the Grohlnir, or some such weird word. He assumed that whatever it was, he could shoot it dead easily._

_ Some things were much easier in theory than in practice._

_ He could see the end of the tree-line on his way to the golden nuggets when he heard something roar. A roar so loud the trees shook, birds flew into the sky, and the ground trembled. And then he heard something running._

_ The feet of this animal pounded so hard John's legs shook. He quickly glanced to his left and there, far off in the distance, he could make out a distinct brown mass charging in his direction. Without waiting to see whatever the hell it was, he fired. Bullet after bullet tore into the creature and John thought for sure that whatever it was now resembled a block of swiss cheese. Boy, was he ever wrong._

_ The thing kept moving, kept pounding and John took off in a run towards the tree-line. "Damn, Sasquatch can run!" he yelled, nearly tripping over as he attempted to run faster than his feet would carry him. _

_ As he broke the tree-line, everything stopped. The trees stood still, the ground stabilized and the large, brown mass of John-Sheppard-must-die disappeared from view. Panting like he just ran a marathon, John stepped forward and fell to his knees in front of a small stream. _

_ Apparently gold was in abundance on this planet because everywhere he looked along the stream nuggets of gold lined its banks. He was told, however, to only take one. Any more, or any less, and the negotiations were off._

_ Picking one up carefully, John placed it into his front, right pocket. "Step one, complete!" he announced and turned around to face the forest. "Step two…" he paused. "Why does step two always suck?" _

_ Reloading his P-90, John took stock of his inventory. A military issued knife attached to his waist on his right, a small flashlight next to it, several more rounds for his P-90, and, of course, his tactical vest. His communication unit had to be left behind for this journey to count, as well as any extra bags._

_ "Time to face the beast," he said, and took off at a run. Whatever was waiting for him had retreated at some point because everything seemed to be all clear. The nearly two hour trek into the woods was pretty nice, actually, until the end. Now he was on edge with adrenaline coursing through his veins. The paranoia of a giant man-eating creature ready to pop out and devour you was enough to put anyone on the precipice of crazy talk. And so that's what he started to do._

_ "It's okay John, it's just eats people. It's cool, it's cool," he repeated, trying to calm himself down. "Was it a bear? I think it was a bear…" _

_ No sooner had the words exited his mouth when to his right the trees rustled. Aiming his P-90, John tried to inspect between the branches. The effort ended up being futile when, seconds later, an eight-foot tall being pushed aside the trees—literally, knocking them the hell over!—and stood there in all its glory: the Grohlnir. _

_ The not-bear, because it looked like a bear, but wasn't quite a bear, was absolutely terrifying. Its teeth reminded John of a great white shark's, each tooth almost a perfect triangle polished to glistening perfection. A coat of light brown fur matted its massive body and it was at least as half as tall as all the surrounding trees, if not taller than that. Craning his head, the not-bear's eyes stared back at him with a predatory leer. Yellow, beady, cat-like eyes. _

_ Before he could even contemplate running away, the Grohlnir raised it's claws as if to strike. Seven—yes, seven. He double checked—claws hung over him, like curved icicles waiting to impale him. Every single one was about six inches long and reminded him of ivory tusks on an elephant. _

_ Scariest goddamn not-bear he'd ever seen._

_ And in his shock, he barely had time to move out of the way before those dagger-like claws dove towards him, narrowly scratching his right shoulder. "Damn, damn, damn," he repeated and took off running through the forest. Giant firs loomed over him and the rumbling of the ground started again. Evergreen needles rained down over him as he ran, the ground slightly wet and sticky after a few quick rain showers._

_ "Are you freaking _kidding _me?" he shouted, taking a hard left when he came to a sudden ravine. The not-bear, with all its momentum, didn't have time to correct its course and it soon tumbled into the small chasm._

_ "Take that, Smokey!" John called out before glancing over the edge to make sure it'd be safe to walk all the way back now. _

_ And suddenly wished he hadn't._

_ Other than the creature's height, weird eyes and creepy ass, super-long claws, John soon realized another reason why this thing could never be compared to a regular bear._

_ This thing could climb cliff walls._

_ Deep claws dug into hard rock and the Grohlnir growled, its anger evident in the way everything around it shook. It started to ascend, ivory finger tusks embedding themselves into tough stone that not even a jackhammer should cut through._

_ "That is so _not_ fair!" And it wasn't long before John took off running again. He jumped over ditches, leaped over logs and fumbled over flora before stopping to catch his breath. He'd ended up just outside a sizable open meadow complete with tiny flying insects and not-dandelions. _

_ It wasn't long after that that he heard the next roar and the impending earthquake of doom behind him. The sudden thought of that giant rolling boulder scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark suddenly came to mind and he'd have laughed if it wasn't for the incoming eight-foot tall, mutated teletubby of absolute terror. In the near distance he could see branches being slashed to shreds and loud cracks as entire evergreens snapped in half at the Grohlnir's brute force._

_ Looking around, John decided this was a better place than any to fight back. Spotting a log surrounded by moss and what he hoped were thick, sturdy trees, he hopped over to the other side, readied his P-90 and waited with baited breath._

_ It took maybe fifteen seconds before the not-bear appeared and John quickly ducked down. Peeping through a hole in the log, he observed it moving its head from side to side so fast he thought it might break its own neck. _

_ "Would never be so lucky…" he mumbled and the thing had to have Superman hearing because it turned its damn head towards him and activated its turbo boosters. It was like a damn bullet train!_

_ He started firing. The bullets seemed to pass through it like a hot knife through butter and the thing barely slowed down. It was on him in seconds. Throwing himself under the log, he waited for the inevitable 'crunch,' but it never came. The not-bear flew over him and kept charging, unaware that it had just passed him completely. _

_ Not being one to question luck—and boy, did he have a never-ending supply of that!—John Sheppard stood up and darted off to the side as quietly as he could. Thankfully, the Grohlnir was making much more noise than he was in its blind rage, so he didn't have to worry about being so discrete. _

_ So John decided to do something he thought he excelled at. He decided to be sneaky. _

_ And after about an hour and a half, he came to the conclusion that the sneakiness was definitely working. With no sign of Too Fast Too Furious—and he would kick Ronon's ass later for getting _that_ reference stuck in his head—he figured he was pretty much home free._

_ But nothing ever came easy for John Sheppard._

_ With only a few hundred yards left to go, the tree-line visible through all the foliage, Smokey must've thought John had caused a forest fire because that earth-shattering roar was back and his thoughts flashed back to that time he'd watched Jurassic Park. _

_ "Oh, come on!" With a quick burst of energy, he made a beeline for the village. Cranky, McGrumpy wasn't far behind and John couldn't even get to 'Five Mississippi' before he was promptly knocked off his feet. Thank goodness for small miracles, however, because the sideswipe of the giant not-bear threw him out of the forest and right to the feet of Rodney McKay._

_ "Took you long enough, we've been waiting for _hours_," Rodney complained, a life signs detector in his hands. "Did you get the piece of gold?" _

_ He started coughing up a lungful because the landing knocked the wind right out of him. He suspected Teyla and Ronon were nearby because he felt more than saw someone help him to his feet and it sure as hell wasn't Rodney._

_ "Why thank you for doing all the hard work, Sheppard," John mimicked, his imitation of Rodney McKay not at all accurate, nor was it meant to be. "Please, let me help you up and see if you're injured after nearly getting mauled to death in the forest!" _

_ "Oh please," Rodney countered, "You look perfectly fine. A scratch on your shoulder," and he was right, it had already stopped bleeding, "And a little short of breath. You know that you could find any old piece of gold in any creek on this planet and then give it to them? I followed you on the detector, you actually went all the way to the other end of the forest! There's water _everywhere_ and you took the long route!" _

_ John blinked back at him. "Are you serious? I did all that work and all I had to do was stop at any damn creek and find a piece of gold?" He turned to Teyla, his eyes expectant._

_ She sighed and nodded at him. "Yes, it is true. The water beds all over this planet are abundant in small pockets of gold. They showed us several of their springs and it even resides there, too. I am sorry, John." _

_ "Well, that's just great! I could've saved myself all that trouble! I stopped to fill up my canteen halfway in and thought they'd know if I picked up _those_ rocks!" _

_ Ronon stepped in, "No, we sat down and had a feast after they gave us a tour of the place. No one was watching you at all." _

_ "Oh, For crying out loud!" _

_ One of the elders sauntered over to them then and took note of Sheppard's disheveled appearance. "My, my, you look like you've had a tussle with the Grohlnir! Are you okay?"_

_ He couldn't hide the anger coursing through his body. "No, I'm not okay. I'm exhausted, bruised, more than a little on edge, and I just found out about the shortcut!" _

_ The elder raised his eyebrows at the word 'shortcut,' but couldn't discern John's meaning. "I am sorry for your troubles, Mr. Sheppard. Did you, by chance, happen to recover one of the golden nuggets?"_

_ "Yes," he spat, "I have one right here." Reaching into his pocket, he felt around. All that came up, however, was air. "Are you kidding me?" He shouted, rooting around in all of his pockets. "It was right here!"_

_ The elder shook his head sadly. "Many have tried to achieve this goal, but none have managed to do so as of yet. They have all perished at the hands of the Grohlnir. You should be proud, Mr. Sheppard, to be the only one to make it out of there alive. However, without the golden nugget, we can not trade with your people."_

_ Turning his back to them, the elder began to walk away. And that's when Rodney stepped in. "Uh, wait…" He waved his arms in the direction of the elder, "…you, old person!" Rodney said, and produced a golden nugget out of his pocket, larger than the one John had taken from the stream at the other end of the forest. The elder turned around. "Look! He found it! He gave it to me when he came out of the woods to show me." _

_ The elder ambled back over and grasped hold of the nugget. "Well, my, my, you've done it! Congratulations, young man, you have achieved a feat which no one else has managed to do! You have outmaneuvered the Grohlnir!" The elder turned once more, this time to the villagers gathered behind him. "Elsa! Felder! He's done it! The young lad has done it! Prepare the celebration!" _

_ "Come, come," he motioned to John and his team, "Join us! We must celebrate in your honour!" The team followed him, the other three moving slowly to match John's tired gait. _

_ "Rodney…" he said through gritted teeth, "Where the hell did you get that?"_

_ "Oh, that?" he said, "When they showed us the hot springs I picked it up off the ground. I have five more stashed away in my pockets somewhere. I'm going to send them to Jeannie, see what I can get for them." _

_ John smacked his hand on his forehead. "You've gotta be freaking kidding me."_

He closed the journal and yawned, a bout of sleep coming on.

"Get some rest, John, you've been writing all afternoon," Keller said, walking past him yet again.

"Yeah, you're right," he replied, setting the book on a nearby tray.

He smiled a lazy smile, draping the blanket over his body. He thought about how they used the Grohlnir—dubbed Smokey by the Atlantis crew—as a template for describing wild animals that looked a lot like bears.

He remembered just a few weeks ago when Lorne came back from one of his missions. Just stepping through the Stargate, SGA-2 walked back into Atlantis just as John and his team were getting ready to head out.

"Major! How was the mission?" he asked, taking stock of Lorne's team. None had any injuries and they weren't in a rush or calling for a med team, so he figured they were all okay.

"Pretty good," he replied. "Tiring. Ran into a few not-bears, of course."

"Oh? Smokeys or Winnies?"

Lorne smiled. "The Pooh Bears, sir."

"Damn it," he complained, "How come you guys always get the softies!"

"Luck of the draw, sir. Luck of the draw."

And with that memory in his head, John settled into the infirmary bed, a soft smile on his face, and fell asleep.


	3. Rodney McKay and the Not Lemon

He woke up late at night. The lights were dimmed in the infirmary as patients tried to get some sleep. John could faintly make out Dr. Biro's slim form quietly doing her rounds.

Keller had wrapped his leg up pretty darn good, he had to admit. It was tight enough to be firm, but not painful and for that he was grateful. Rubbing his shin, he felt the soft hum of Atlantis, the soothing sensation it brought to his mind.

And that sensation was immediately ruined by an intrusive Rodney McKay. A loud crash was heard a few curtains over, immediately followed by said doctor profusely apologizing. "Sorry," he overheard as he could make out the sounds of someone picking up a knocked over bed tray, "Looking for Colonel Sheppard." Followed by the sound of someone getting hit the face. "Ow!" a faceless voice cried. "Didn't mean to do that," Rodney said.

"Sheppard!" he called, the voice loud enough to wake the dead. He sobered a bit at his poor choice of words, sitting in the infirmary and all. Rodney clearly didn't know that Keller had moved him to a different bed, so here he was trying for all the world to locate him. "Sheppard!"

"Rodney, I'm over here!" he responded, incensed. "And be quiet!"

The curtain swayed open and John wondered how the hell McKay had made it all the way to his bed without Dr. Biro or the nurses kicking him out. He quirked his eyebrow, mildly impressed at McKay's level of sneakitude.

Rodney answered his unspoken question. "Life signs detector makes it easier to figure out their rounds," he said. "Too bad it couldn't pinpoint you though, Mr. I'll Just Swap Beds for the Hell of It."

John retorted with mock guilt, "I'm so sorry for not being where you need me to be, Dr. McKay! I promise, I'll try really, really hard to stay in one bed next time!"

"Yeah, well…" Rodney fiddled with the detector, "You better." He pulled something out of his pocket. "Here, thought you might enjoy this," he said, and promptly handed John a small, circular device.

He stared back at it. "Is this what I think it is?"

"You know perfectly well what it is."

"Thanks Rodney, I'm sure I'll put it to good use."

"Yeah, yeah…I'm a great friend, I know." His eyes never left the screen. "Okay, now that I've smuggled that in here, I've got to go. Dr. Biro is back at the nurse's station and they haven't found Nurse Henderson locked in the broom closet yet," he whispered, quickly departing the cramped area.

John's eyes widened. "Wait, what?"

"Hey, she had it coming after the pudding incident!" he cried, and fled the tiny room.

Chuckling, John's attention returned to the small object in his hand. It glowed with satisfaction. Setting it on his bed tray, he picked up his journal and pen. With a fraction of light coming from Rodney's latest gift, there was enough of it that he could write legibly and make out what he was saying.

He thought about the small glowing egg and decided to start his next story there:

_**The Tale of Rodney McKay and the Not-Lemon**_

"_Rodney, should you really be touching that?" Teyla inquired, standing at what she presumed was a safe distance away should something immediately explode upon contact. They were currently in the west side of Atlantis, searching through empty room after empty room. They had two weeks off due to Atlantis' currently malfunctioning Stargate, which Rodney said would take at least thirteen days to correct and test to be sure it was working properly again…something about power fluctuations coming from the ZPM._

_She spared a glance across the room and noticed that Ronon had heeded her unspoken warning, taking stock of his careful distance from Colonel Sheppard. _

"_It's fine," Rodney tossed over his shoulder, picking up different objects and setting them down. "Really, it is. This is merely a holding room of sorts for various unfinished projects. None of these actually work." He currently held a small, thin silvery object in his hand, no longer than the size of his middle finger. He sighed. "I really wish I knew what most of this was meant for…"_

"_Hey, check this out!" John called from the other side of the room. When Teyla looked over she saw an object extended in his palm. "It glows!" And sure enough, the object emitted a faint, blue aura that enveloped the Colonel's hand. It was about the same size as a balled-up fist and had a crack running around its center. It was shaped almost like a ball, but more oval—'ball' and 'oval' being relative terms to Teyla, things she had picked up from John and Rodney through talking about Earth._

"_Be very careful with that!" Rodney nearly shouted, skittering over to the excited Colonel. "You don't know what that does!"_

_Rodney received a raised eyebrow in return. "You just said it was fine to touch everything, McKay," John replied, tossing the object from hand to hand. _

"_I _also _said none of these unfinished projects were supposed to work! This one clearly works so…" Rodney became expectant, "Lemme see!" _

"_Now, hold on," the Colonel replied. "This looks kind of fun…" Ceasing the juggling, he carefully began to pry open the weird egg thing. "It kind of looks like a lemon, McKay. Better stay away."_

"_Oh, ha ha Colonel Funnypants."_

_John gasped in mock astonishment. "I don't have funny pants!" Rodney rolled his eyes as John continued struggling to open the Ancient technology. After another few tugs, the not-lemon gave way and parted into two distinct pieces. Between the two half slices was a tether of blue light, white at its center, extending sinuously from one half to the other. "Well, would you look at that," he whistled._

"_Hmm…" Rodney pondered. "I wonder what its purpose was meant to be."_

"_It dangles," John said, dropping one half of the not-lemon. It hung in the air about two feet from the other half still in his left hand. He sent McKay an inquisitive look, "Do they need things that dangle?"_

_Rodney huffed. "Excusing your lack of Ancient terminology, it all depends on what the device was created for. Is there anything else on the ends of it? Communication triggers? Depressions? Any small holes we can use?" _

"_That's what she said," John quickly cut in. Ronon and Teyla smiled warily._

"_I _knew _we never should've watched The Office! I'll kill Chuck for ever requesting that box set!" _

"_Oh come on, McKay, you know you enjoyed it."_

"_Please! An untrained chimp has better comedic timing than those clowns."_

"_I think you're exaggerating, McKay," Ronon said. _

"_Exaggerating! I'm not—"_

"_Look, it's like a yo-yo!" John exclaimed, using the half of the device still in his hand to roll the other end upward. After several swings, the tether curled into itself and rolled up the link, attaching the two halves together with a satisfying 'click.' John smiled. "A lemon-y, Ancient yo-yo."_

"_A yo-yo?" McKay asked, his eyes bulging. "That…that _can't_ be a yo-yo!" He stole the object from Sheppard's hands. "The Ancients would never invest such resources into producing something as childish and futile as a simple play toy!" He glanced up at the rest of his team. "…Would they?"_

_Teyla shrugged her shoulders and motioned towards the fake lemon. "They did have children, Rodney. It would not be unwise to believe that our ancestors attempted to create toys for their children." _

"_I suppose you're right…" he sighed. Unlocking the two halves, he proceeded to let one end dangle near his feet. "I wonder why it was left in this room though. None of the rest of this junk works." _

_Sweeping up the other end, it bounced around in the air and fell back to its original position. Try as he might, no effort of wrenching or jerking the other end upwards would cause the tether to roll up into the other half. "I don't understand!" he shouted only seconds later, one hand being thrown into the air. "Do you need some kind of omega Ancient gene like Superman's over there?" he suggested, pointing one finger towards Sheppard._

"_You just don't have the mojo," Sheppard said._

"_Or the wrist strength," Ronon added._

"_Nor the patience," Teyla concluded for them._

_Bristling, Rodney grabbed hold of the blue tether and hauled it upwards, intent on physically pushing the two ends together. "Who cares, anyway. It's just a dumb kid's toy." Clicking the halves into place, he placed the not-lemon into his backpack. "We'll file this away later." _

_It wasn't even five hours later when Sheppard was called to the infirmary._

"_Rodney, calm down!" Keller said, fiddling with the bandages on the physicist's hand. "It's not that bad."_

"_Not that bad!" John heard as he stepped into Keller's ward. "Look at it! It's a giant rash! And it _hurts_!" _

"_Just, hold on a minute," the doctor said, grabbing some pills from the nearby cabinet. "First, take two of these." At Rodney's questioning expression, she clarified, "Mild painkillers." _

_He did as she directed._

"_Now, oh, hi Colonel," she said. "Just thought I'd call the rest of your team to the infirmary. It appears Rodney has developed an allergic reaction to something and I was informed that you all were investigating the city today so I'll need to do a check-up on all of you." _

"_No problem, Doc," John replied, hopping up onto the bed nearest to McKay. "Well McKay, looks like you might be allergic to that Ancient lemon after all!" _

"_I hardly think that's the case, Sheppard," Rodney said. "First of all, that object? Not organic. I highly doubt I'm allergic to Ancient technology. And second!" he began, cutting off any kind of quip his teammate could muster, "It's not a lemon!" _

"_It's a _not_-lemon," John conceded as Keller started scanning him._

"_No, no it's not. It's an Ancient yo-yo. Nothing more. Nothing less." Rubbing the bandages on his wrist, Rodney hopped off the bed with the small bottle of pills in his other hand. "In the meantime, I am utterly exhausted and need some sleep so I can help Zelenka work on the Stargate tomorrow morning. Goodnight." _

_Keller rolled her eyes. "One little rash and you can't calm him down." She gave John a pointed look. "Does anything?"_

"_No, not really." He paused. "Food helps. Beautiful women. Oh, and new Ancient tech. And did I mention food?" he tossed out casually. Keller smiled. He grimaced at the prick of a needle, watching as she drew a blood sample. "Did Ronon and Teyla show up yet?"_

"_No, not yet, but they've been informed. Should be here any minute." _

"_Great, I'll just wait it out then so we can all head to the mess hall together." _

_ He glanced around the infirmary, a half-dozen empty beds all around him. It was uncommon for there to be this many unoccupied beds, but John reasoned that the lack of Stargate travel at the moment was to account for that. He spied a sleeping form on one of the beds across the room shrouded in dim light and decided to ask Keller, who was preparing for his teammates' arrival._

_ "Who's over there?"_

_ She gave him a questioning sound and glanced over her shoulder. "Oh, that's Evan. Nasty frog bite off-world last night before they shut down the 'Gate. Took awhile to clean up, but he's doing okay. _

_ "Frog bite?" John asked, intrigued. _

_ "Massive frog," she explained. "The size of a Golden Retriever, actually. Or so I heard from Laura." _

_ And that was when John realized who she was talking about, judging by the first names the Doc was using. The only Laura he knew was Cadman, which meant Evan was…"Wait, that's Lorne?" He didn't realize his second-in-command and Keller were on a first name basis. When did _that _happen? And how the hell did he not know his XO was injured after returning from a mission the previous night?_

_ "Yes, Major Lorne…" Keller said, drawing it out for him. "You didn't know he was here?" _

_ "No, no I did not…" he admitted, his confused expression not going unnoticed. "Went to bed early last night, woke up and went on that mission today after eating. It wasn't serious, was it?"_

_ She shook her head. "Just some moderate bleeding on his arm. Easy fix. Cleaned it right up," she reassured him. "Knowing Evan, he probably had Laura leave you a note on your desk so that he didn't have to bother you." _

_ John snorted. "Yep, sounds like my XO. Lookin' out for his Commanding Officer by letting him sleep in."_

_ "I'm sure he just didn't want to wake you, Colonel." _

_ "Still, he should know by now I'm never in my office," he joked, angry at himself for not realizing his XO was injured and a little annoyed at Lorne for not telling him. "Can't deny the sleep last night was excellent, though." _

_ "HELP!" A voice shouted, the unmistakable sound of Teyla cutting through the calm silence in the infirmary. John and Keller were at their feet in an instant, rushing forward as the doors slid open. Ronon and Teyla appeared, half-dragging an unconscious Rodney McKay with them. "We don't know what happened," Teyla started, pulling him to the nearest table. "He was on the floor in the middle of the hallway." _

_ "Get him on the table!" Keller said, her voice authoritative. "Teyla, get Nurse Henderson, please. Tell her to bring an IV." _

_ "Doc?" John queried, moving to McKay's other side. "Any idea what's wrong?" _

_ She slapped on several gloves and picked up Rodney's arm, turning it this way and that. "The rash," she said, motioning to the Colonel with her head. "It's spreading." And sure enough, upon further inspection the rash that had only been relegated to Rodney's left hand had now spread up his arm and to the nape of his neck. _

_ "I need to know what happened in the city today. Anything unusual? You mentioned something about an allergic reaction to a lemon?" _

_ "It was a not-lemon, actually," John said. He immediately regretted her impatient expression. "Uh, it looked like a lemon. We figured it was an Ancient yo-yo because when you cracked it open there was a string between the two ends," he used gestures to try and explain his description, moving his hands attempting to imitate the physical shape of a yo-yo._

_ "I know what a yo-yo is, Colonel," Keller said as Teyla returned with Nurse Henderson in tow. "We need to set up an IV and get him on antibiotics." The nurse nodded and began her work. Keller flicked her eyes in John's direction and then opened McKay's mouth. "Continue." _

_ "Right, so, he couldn't work the yo-yo—" at this he mimicked a failed attempt at yo-yoing a yo-yo, "—so he grabbed it with his hand to roll it up." _

_ "So he grabbed both the string and the…not-lemon," she said with much reluctance. "Anything odd about the device itself? Or the string?" Placing a stethoscope on McKay's chest, she checked his breathing, having already determined that his glands weren't swollen and that he could breathe easily, for the moment._

_ "Well, other than it being shaped like a lemon, not really. I touched it and I'm fine."_

_ "The string glowed," Ronon tossed out, anxious to see if McKay would be alright, but content to stand aside and not display his nervousness. John could tell by the way his eyes kept shifting to McKay that Ronon was really worried. _

_ "Glowed?" Keller asked, her tone obviously wanting them to elaborate._

_ "Uh, yeah," John agreed. "It glowed. All shiny and blue."_

_ "Did you touch _that _part?" she asked._

_ "No, John did not," Teyla answered for him, concerned that time may be a factor and they did not need John stumbling over his explanations when Rodney's life was at potential risk. _

_ "Okay, I think we'll need Doctor Zelenka to examine the device further to see if that's what our problem is here. Judging by the fact that the outbreak began on his hand and that's what he used to touch the string, it sounds like that's what we're looking at." Keller began ordering a second nurse, who had arrived to check up on Major Lorne, to grab some fresh linen so they could move McKay to a more comfortable bed. _

_ So John, Ronon, and Teyla stood aside and waited for the medical staff to try and help Rodney's condition. The staff seemed to multiply before their eyes and John realized he didn't even know there were this many able bodies on-hand for the infirmary at night time. _

_ A noise behind him caught his attention and he noticed Lorne sat up on his bed staring in their direction, a wondering look on his face. John slowly excused himself and sauntered over to him. _

_ "Major, how're you feeling?" he asked, indicating the sling around the man's right arm. _

_ "Fine, sir." Standard military answer. "What's going on over there?" he nodded his head across the room, his hair mussed and his eyes decidedly sleepy. _Someone _had just woken up._

_ "McKay had an encounter with a not-quite-lemon-y shaped Ancient device. The lemon won." _

_ "Ouch," Lorne winced. He straightened up fairly quickly. "He gonna be okay?"_

_ John exhaled and looked down at his feet dejectedly. "I don't know, Major." _

_ "Oh." _

_ Cue awkward silence. The only sounds were the bustling of nurses and Keller hovering over McKay and the sound of John's boots sliding back and forth in a pattern on the floor. _

_ Trying to get his mind off the status of his best friend, John took in the appearance of Lorne. "So, a not-frog, I hear? Or was it a not-dog?...Not-frog-dog?"_

_ Lorne smiled sleepily. "Not-frog, sir. I think we'll stick with that." _

_ "Not-frog it is," John agreed, watching Lorne carefully. Keller had obviously given him something for the pain because he looked decidedly goofy sitting there with a half-crazed smile on his face, a sling around his arm, and lowered eyelids that definitely wanted to close shut so he could get some sleep. "Major."_

_ "Sir?" his XO said, snapping to attention, but failing utterly to do so._

_ "Get some sleep, Major." _

_ "But—"_

_ "That's an order. You look like you're about to pass out on me." And he wasn't far off that mark, he guessed. "If there's an update on McKay's condition, I'll wake you." _

_ Lorne eyed him skeptically, unsure about whether the Colonel would actually wake him up or not if McKay turned out to be okay. He decided, however, that the Colonel would definitely wake him up if there was a negative change in the physicist's condition, so he laid back on the bed and nodded towards his CO. "Thanks, sir."_

_ "No problem. Now, have a good nap." _

_ "Yes, sir." As the Major closed his eyes, John could tell he fell asleep within seconds._

_ "John!" Teyla called, her voice filled with excitement and a smile on her face. "He is going to be okay," she said, as he jogged back over to them._

_ "He's okay? You sure?" _

_ "Yes, Dr. Keller says he will be fine. Dr. Zelenka was just here while you were speaking with the Major. He explained that, after testing the device on some of the mice the Daedalus brought several trips ago, the rash began to appear on them as well. Prolonged exposure to the device had them develop the rash in minutes. Rodney had only touched the device for a few seconds. That is why it took so long for the outbreak to occur." _

_ John immediately relaxed. "Well, thank goodness for that." He noticed Dr. Keller slowly making their way towards them after tending to McKay. "So, he's going to be okay?" he asked, seeking confirmation._

_ She gave a tired smile. "Yes, he'll be back to ranting and raving in no time. The antibiotics kicked in fairly quickly. Allergic reactions aren't too uncommon here in Atlantis, so it didn't take long to find an antibiotic that took." _

_ "That's good to hear, Doc." _

_ "Now," she said, indicating each of them in turn, "No more touching strange things." She turned to John. "I feel like I've told you this already." He shrugged sheepishly._

_ "Will do, Doc!" He hopped up again on the bed next to McKay, though this time in entirely different circumstances. After stealing a glance at Lorne, he decided to let the Major sleep for another few hours before he informed him of McKay's improvement. The man needed rest. They all did._

_ And they all needed to stop touching weird Ancient things. _Especially _himself._

Laying his pen down, John picked up the not-lemon from his bed tray. Rodney had told him just last week that Zelenka had modified it so it would no longer be harmful. It had taken them awhile to analyze it and determine that any contact with skin resulted in a dangerous and painful rash.

Now, however, with Zelenka's tinkering, it would do no harm.

Peeling the halves apart, or 'slicing the lemon' as he liked to refer to it, John began the laborious process of rolling it up and rolling it down and rolling it up and rolling it down.

It wasn't even five minutes before Dr. Biro witnessed the dancing blue light and took the thing away from him.


End file.
